The End. Of the world.

According to my father, who believes himself a leader on the subject of spirituality, December 21st is a day for reflection.That's the day that's meant to be the end-of-the-world, according to the Mayan calendar.

The Mayan Calendar

I've been wondering... What, exactly, would this end-of-the-world look like? And, if it really was the end of the world, would I be ready?

Yes. Yes, I would. Despite not having done all I've yet to do, I've lived! ...From scratched up, bruised, sometimes broken, scarred and scared, alone, sometimes without confidence... to laughing out loud, soaring, at peace, happily rediscovering myself over and over again, being real, finding and sharing love, joy, being grateful that I have everything I need... Reading that sounds a bit like I could have MPD, but I assure you I don't. I'm just human and a little crazy.

Here's me reflecting, as per my dad's advice.

My only "regret"... has to do with my family, but even that has contributed to who I am today. If we live past the 21st, I'll focus on converting the occassional disillusionment I face, which stems from my father and often, my mother. In fact, I've already started.

I've recently come to realise, after lots of research and reading on the subject of childhood "abandonment", that this disillusionment comes from being abandoned by my father when I was a young girl of 7. My mother had no one else to get through to my dad, except for me. It robbed me of being a little girl with little girl dreams, and turned me into the eldest child, with the responsibilities for my sister and mother on my shoulders. This was not an implied responsibility, but a very real one (Call you father, tell him we need... Tell you mother... Call your father, tell him your sister needs... etc. etc. etc.).

In the end I became Super Woman. If I had to suck it up and be Super Woman, even when all I wanted was Super Man, I did it. Eventually most men I met thought I'd carry the relationship because I was "so strong". I thought I could carry the relationship because I was "so strong". Wrong (in my head I just said 'hashtag epic fail' as I wrote that).

And so on and so on and so on. By the way, tell my dad any of this today and he'd sarcastically ask if he must bring his violin out to play for you. Well, someone has to break the cycle.

We can't go back and change the past. The past doesn't define our future. Clichés, yes, but true all the same. At some point we stop blaming our past for our future and realise that life is ours to make as we want. We do that by the energies we put out. (Note to self: Stop randomly forgetting what you clearly are very aware of!)

I think my biggest realisation from all this is that... I'm just a woman, who needs someone strong beside her, so that I can be the woman.



Image by F. Pyro on deviantART

Great, so as we're approcahing the end-of-the-world, I have just confirmed that I have "daddy issues". That's what I'm printing on my next t-shirt.

But guess what? I'm one in a trillion in this world who do. In order to bring that trillion number down, I could start research on the importance of the whole family in raising a child so that we raise mentally and spiritually healthier societies, but I think I've waxed philosophical enough for one blog post.

So here's what the-end-of-the-world means to me... It's the end of the era of materialism, selfishness and greed. We face a change of consciousness that is 'of the mind and spirit', which will harness the kind of positive energies that will astound and delight us all, if we allow it. Hey... I sounded like my father just then!

I've got to get brownie points for not being afraid to put my crazy out there, though some may disagree #justsaying

Twinkle twinkle little Sparkle

Want to guess how I started my 2012 (official start for me was today)? I decided that I was giving up the pack-a-day smoking habit I picked up over the holiday season and going back to not smoking during the day. Just like that, no patches, no nothing. I've impressed myself by not even having the urge to stab someone in the eye with a fork. Extraordinary, isn’t it? :-)

Soooo... How's life? Good? You guys staying positive and focused? Remembering to be grateful for the things you have, even if it's not everything you want? I feel and show immense gratitude for my life, but sometimes I'm still not as content as I should be. I often wonder if that makes me ungrateful, until I remind myself that I should be less hard on me, give myself the chance to make mistakes and be disappointed, or give myself the chance to review the mediocre and then shove it aside because I know I can only ever reach for the stars. Do it right, or don't fucking bother, especially with the small and seemingly trivial things. I sound like a right intolerant shit, don't I? Ah well.

2011 was an unexpectedly massive year for me. I had been retrenched in late 2010 and started 2011 unemployed. Despite that, I met someone wonderful, landed a great job, finally found the courage to file for a divorce I should have asked for years before, bought a house and had a career break through. I was exhilarated but exhausted at the end of it, though the year taught me even more, much more, about myself and about people, relationships, friendships.

I've come to accept that I have my own (very weird) quirks and that I am naturally socially inept. Believe it, mateys, because it's true - big development areas for me. Or I may not want to work that hard at it and just accept that I am as I am. This may lead to me being misunderstood by those around me sometimes and I will appear to have the social IQ of a 4 year old at other times, or only be able to get my words out when I'm sitting behind my PC, but I think I'm ok with that.

This design represents the Caribbean spirit that wins over every adversity, the triumph of life upon every difficulty

I’ve learnt that I adore lemon beagles even though I am not a dog person. I’ve learnt that I’m not good with people in my space for more than a few days at a time, especially family. I’ve learnt that I can develop tastes for different music, even Afrikaans music. I’ve learnt, after countless conversations with Lola Montez, that when I get out from behind my Miss Independent façade… marriage is very important to me and one day I would love to try for another baby (yes, that’s a biggie but I know things only happen as they should or shouldn’t). I’ve learnt that friendship is immensely healing. I’ve learnt that you can’t change people, only encourage them to grow - if they don’t you can either walk away or keep hitting your head against a brick wall. I’ve relearnt that love is far too delicate to take for granted and that life is far too short to waste time not doing what you want. I’ve learnt that you really can have anything your heart desires, you just have to be incredibly careful about what you ask for because sometimes you actually get what you want… You better be sure you want what you ask for that badly!

I've learnt the good about relationships by looking at the good ones around me. Good relationships take great patience, respect, maturity and positivity to keep healthy. They are not for the fainthearted or those who want instant gratification. They require work that is less work and more pleasure because love is involved. I look at these relationships and wish it was something I’d been more exposed to growing up as I’d be more of an adept in this area now.

I've also learnt by looking at some couples on the very outskirts of my life that familiarity leads to neglect, if not contempt... he sees the woman he fell in love with, less and less, because life gets in the way. The compliments and special little things he used to do become fewer and further between, because less is more sustainable, and eventually it dries up. Through this she becomes reticent, or resentful, insecure, starts finding fault and problems with everything. Or they go at each other in public with tiny barbs that eventually become poisoned spears. The guy complains to his friends and paints his woman as a dragon, and the woman eventually turns into that dragon. This in itself is a very negative use of mind power. It doesn't matter what you feed your mind, the seeds will grow.

The couples I've learnt the less positive lessons from made such an impact on me that I have vowed to myself that I will love and respect myself enough to know that I will always deserve better in my personal life and my work life than the kind of interactions I’ve witnessed.

All in all it's going to be another big year with studies, home renovations and travels on the horizons. My intrinsic focus for the year is on teaching people how I want to be treated, building relationships that are strong, healthy, happy and successful with the people I am lucky to share my life with, succeeding at my studies & reaching new heights in my career and most importantly, controlling the thoughts I plant in my mind so that I can cultivate the positive, happy life I aspire to.

Just call me “Sparkle” ;-) I hope your 2012 rocks!

xxx