Soooo... How's life? Good? You guys staying positive and focused? Remembering to be grateful for the things you have, even if it's not everything you want? I feel and show immense gratitude for my life, but sometimes I'm still not as content as I should be. I often wonder if that makes me ungrateful, until I remind myself that I should be less hard on me, give myself the chance to make mistakes and be disappointed, or give myself the chance to review the mediocre and then shove it aside because I know I can only ever reach for the stars. Do it right, or don't fucking bother, especially with the small and seemingly trivial things. I sound like a right intolerant shit, don't I? Ah well.
2011 was an unexpectedly massive year for me. I had been retrenched in late 2010 and started 2011 unemployed. Despite that, I met someone wonderful, landed a great job, finally found the courage to file for a divorce I should have asked for years before, bought a house and had a career break through. I was exhilarated but exhausted at the end of it, though the year taught me even more, much more, about myself and about people, relationships, friendships.
I've come to accept that I have my own (very weird) quirks and that I am naturally socially inept. Believe it, mateys, because it's true - big development areas for me. Or I may not want to work that hard at it and just accept that I am as I am. This may lead to me being misunderstood by those around me sometimes and I will appear to have the social IQ of a 4 year old at other times, or only be able to get my words out when I'm sitting behind my PC, but I think I'm ok with that.
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| This design represents the Caribbean spirit that wins over every adversity, the triumph of life upon every difficulty |
I’ve learnt that I adore lemon beagles even though I am not a dog person. I’ve learnt that I’m not good with people in my space for more than a few days at a time, especially family. I’ve learnt that I can develop tastes for different music, even Afrikaans music. I’ve learnt, after countless conversations with Lola Montez, that when I get out from behind my Miss Independent façade… marriage is very important to me and one day I would love to try for another baby (yes, that’s a biggie but I know things only happen as they should or shouldn’t). I’ve learnt that friendship is immensely healing. I’ve learnt that you can’t change people, only encourage them to grow - if they don’t you can either walk away or keep hitting your head against a brick wall. I’ve relearnt that love is far too delicate to take for granted and that life is far too short to waste time not doing what you want. I’ve learnt that you really can have anything your heart desires, you just have to be incredibly careful about what you ask for because sometimes you actually get what you want… You better be sure you want what you ask for that badly!
I've learnt the good about relationships by looking at the good ones around me. Good relationships take great patience, respect, maturity and positivity to keep healthy. They are not for the fainthearted or those who want instant gratification. They require work that is less work and more pleasure because love is involved. I look at these relationships and wish it was something I’d been more exposed to growing up as I’d be more of an adept in this area now.
I've also learnt by looking at some couples on the very outskirts of my life that familiarity leads to neglect, if not contempt... he sees the woman he fell in love with, less and less, because life gets in the way. The compliments and special little things he used to do become fewer and further between, because less is more sustainable, and eventually it dries up. Through this she becomes reticent, or resentful, insecure, starts finding fault and problems with everything. Or they go at each other in public with tiny barbs that eventually become poisoned spears. The guy complains to his friends and paints his woman as a dragon, and the woman eventually turns into that dragon. This in itself is a very negative use of mind power. It doesn't matter what you feed your mind, the seeds will grow.
The couples I've learnt the less positive lessons from made such an impact on me that I have vowed to myself that I will love and respect myself enough to know that I will always deserve better in my personal life and my work life than the kind of interactions I’ve witnessed.
All in all it's going to be another big year with studies, home renovations and travels on the horizons. My intrinsic focus for the year is on teaching people how I want to be treated, building relationships that are strong, healthy, happy and successful with the people I am lucky to share my life with, succeeding at my studies & reaching new heights in my career and most importantly, controlling the thoughts I plant in my mind so that I can cultivate the positive, happy life I aspire to.
Just call me “Sparkle” ;-) I hope your 2012 rocks!
xxx
