Goodbye Electra

WARNING - If you're having a bright and shiny happy day, you may want to save reading this for when it's slightly overcast.

Man. I am having some kinda day. I've done the meditations - positive thought, positive feeling, positive action. I know I am responsible for the outcome of this day so, despite the sudden sadness I can't shake, it's going to be a good day.  I just need to figure out where it's come from... Ok I'm lying. I know where it's come from. Only a small part of it is missing my soul mate. Largely, I blame my sister for her buggering can of whistling worms. (Another story)

I went to a friends wedding this past weekend. Her dad walked her down the aisle. He danced with her at least a half dozen times. Watching him look at her, you could tell he loved every hair on her head and that she was his princess. He paid for the entire wedding and took an active part in socialising with her guests and friends. You couldn't help but sense that theirs was a father daughter relationship that would stand the test of disagreements, time, and step-mothers.

I don't feel sorry for myself when I look at my relationship with my Dad. I used to. Often. Then I thought we'd found our niche and he was the coolest Dad on the planet. Eventually I grew up. My rose coloured glasses fell off.

Looking at my friend and her Dad at the wedding, I felt a sudden and deep regret for never having known that kind of paternal love, care, dedication, patience and pride. It hurt so much for that split second I had to pack it away in a hurry or my chest would crack open. Besides, we don't open cans of whistling worms when we're celebrating the happiness of our friends. That's self-centered. I'm pretty good at compartmentalising this particular subject. Decades of practise.

Today I called my Dad to ask if he'd like to join me for my birthday lunch. The enthusiasm and joy in his voice were enough to bring me to tears. In case you were wondering, that was me being sarcasmo. Anyway, they're coming - Dad +2. That's great, right. I mean things are what they are. I'm not going to get back what I lost growing up. Life happens and how we deal with it is what counts. No playing the violins for me. Just sometimes.. it's a little painful. And I wish I could change it. But I'm okay with it. Really.

My daughter is going to be saved this. That is what I am truly thankful for.